champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

I have a headache. Like really, it feels like the weight of the world is positioned directly between my eyebrows. I went hard this weekend. I drunk dialed, I made some frenemies, and I snuggled with puppies.

So Friday night rolled around, and I found myself in bed at 8 pm. This is not the way to start a rock star weekend... I rolled my ass out of bed and began beautifying, and within the hour I found my friend Iz, her boyfriend, and his friend at my place getting hammered in the kitchen. I had two parties to go to, but after an hour, it became abundantly clear that I would not be making it to Thee Parkside in Potrero or my step-brother's going away party in SOMA.

Iz's man took off with his friend to meet some buddies over at the Lion's Pub. This used to be my favorite bar, circa 2 years ago. Then, I lived a few blocks from the bar, and you know me, I love being able to stumble home late-night. In fact, this bar holds some of my favorite memories from my first year back in SF. It used to be really busy and fun, the music was always good, and there were usually some hotties. The bartenders were also great, and always treated the locals to free booze, so I couldn't complain. The drinks there are so good, its almost worth going just for that. They fresh squeeze all of their juice for each drink, and the greyhounds are legendary. This bar also holds the memory of my 2 all-time favorite pick up lines.

#1 (to Precious): Girl, I'm tryin' to holla at you, take you out, buy you some donuts... shiiiiiiittt...

#2 (to me): Damn, girl. You look good enough to fuck.

You can't make this shit up. There are some real gems in this city.

So we were going to meet Iz's man and his buddies at the bar a bit later, and we were going to hang and drink a little more at my place. Well, imagine my surprise when my roommate, Sean, comes home a little after 10 pm, all frazled and crazed. Turns out this adorable, wonderful guy got mugged on his way home from work. Can you believe this shit? So, he's walking through the lower Haight, minding his own business, when 4 guys approach him, pull a gun on him, and take all of his stuff. He had a messenger bag which they took, and his brand new jacket and beanie. Then, the guy with the gun gets up in his face and tries to get into his pockets to get anything else he might have. Sean, the kung-fu bastard, jacks this gangster for his gun and the tables turn. This officially makes Sean the G of San Francisco. He took the gun from his mugger and pulled it on them. He fired a warning shot into the trees in Alamo Square, and the guys took off running. Luckily, they dropped his new jacket on the ground, so it wasn't a total loss.

I have a true gangster for a roommate. I can't believe he took the gun from this guy's hand and turned it on him. Crazy, right? Well, imagine how we felt upon hearing this story while intoxicated. We could not fucking believe it.

After hanging with him for a bit, we left Sean to deal with things and await his father's arrival. By the time we got to Lion's, Iz's was a complete hot mess, had already thrown up once, and was on her way to black-out-ville. Oy. So we're at the bar, I'm making friends with all these douche bags just to stay entertained, and within 30 minutes, I'm more ready to leave than I've ever been.

I tried to rally these fuckers and get them down to Blue Light, where Precious was working. Once we got there, all hell broke loose for real. I just continued to drink, hoping to salvage the night or otherwise forget about it completely. I can't handle black-out drunks. I totally understand that once in a while, that last drink puts you over the edge and you forget what happened after you got into your cab to go home. Fine. But if it's not midnight yet, and you're already embarrassing everyone you know, that's just not ok. I used to have this roommate who blacked out pretty much every time she drank. She was the most major disaster mankind has ever seen. She hijacked two of my dates and had sex with 23% of San Francisco's population in the 6 or so months she lived with me. It got to the point where it wasn't even a joke, it was just so sad. I vowed to never bring that element back into my life. Anyways, the night came to a close with Iz's man inviting me to their hotel room where they were gonna party all night. I decided to pass, and called it a night.

The next day was rough. I realized that in my belligerent haze, I drunk dialed several times. I guess I'm the fucking amateur. I decided to take it way easy, so I went shopping and picked up my father from the airport. That night, Precious got off work around 9:30, so we decided to have a night at the bar together, super low-key. I must say, this was the best night we've had in a while. Even though it was really casual, we had a lot of fun. I drank a bottle of champagne to my face, we laughed a lot, there was actually good music playing and we found cab fare on the ground in front of the bar. I can't remember anything after we got into the cab to go home, but I guess that's what a bottle of champagne to the face will do to you. Haha.

Lessons learned: Follow through with party obligations, even if the party is far away. Don't walk alone wearing headphones at night. Don't continue drinking after you vomit; I think that throwing up is a pretty clear sign that you've had enough. Also, make a plan to have a causal night out with your best friend more often; you won't be sorry.